On the 18th of October I had the honour of participating in Kunstbende Limburg Voorronde. The video is my performance which won me first place. This means I have to perform in my capital, Amsterdam, on the 7th of November. I wanted to perform more like the sixteen-year-old I sometimes forget I am, instead of the Second World War persona I usually perform as. But I couldn’t read poems without including where it all started, could I now?
I apologise for all the tears
The sleepless nights and broken heart
The silence and the screaming
The six feet apart
I apologise for your self hatred
The sadness that I’ve brought you
The unspoken words and held back truth
Sorry for the hell we’ve been through
Sorry for the times I didn’t hold you
Or the days I forgot to show my love
Sorry for the good memories
Or more, the lack thereof
Sorry that I forgot to care
And sorry for the days I cared too much
Sorry that I can’t feel your hug
Or your sweet touch
I’m sorry that I’m not there right now
And words will have to do
But don’t question my feelings
And the love I have for you
Inspired by the song ultimately by khai dreams
Do you know this feeling where you just want to be loved? You want to be recognized by someone and know that you are worth loving. It’s like the constant rush for appreciation, not so much love itself. You want to be held, kissed, you want to be important to someone.
And because you’re human, you return that appreciation. After one, maybe more, weeks, it just fades away into nothingness, until you are left with someone who doesn’t love you, but just wants to be loved.
Shame, that’s what washed over me when I realized this. I had used someone for the soul purpose of being told I was loved. I couldn’t see it then, for I was blinded by the idea I could fight everything, because someone thought I could.
The same person had used me too, the exact same reason in his head as it was in mine, so at the end, it didn’t truly feel like I alone was at fault. I wanted to be recognized and he wanted attention, it was a perfect match made in Hell, but it felt like Heaven to me.
Now I’ve realized we both didn’t do anything wrong. We were trying to get back up from our previous battle and just needed a helping hand, a smiling face to tell us we could do it. I was his, he was mine. And now we are ourselves again.
Words that held meaning
Which could crash and burn her down
Sending in a tidal wave
Emotions which would make her drown
He held her hand tightly
“Stay afloat!” He screamed in pain
The sky empty, no one was listening
His plea was in vain
She tried, she really did
To find her way back to the sky above
His calls unmistakable
Or perhaps the lack thereof?
For if he cared
Wouldn’t he jump in too?
Three words which crashed and burned her
I love you